Beside You
by Anastasia1043
Summary: [Trigger warning! This gets really dark. Outright talking about self-harm & suicide.] Rae staying at Finn's after the fight with her mum. This is the day before the rave & dinner with Tix rather than the same night.


**Trigger & General Warning: **this gets really dark. This is point blank talking about self-harm, describing it. Don't read if that thing upsets you or triggers you. I mean it, it gets seriously dark. **It's not to be taken lightly!**

Title from Mariana's Trench song "Beside You".

* * *

Rae only had to wait a minute before Finn opened the door. She gave him a shrug which he returned with his own and opened the door more to allow her through.

"What's up, Rae?" he asked concernedly.

"Got into a fight with my mum. Do you mind if I crash here for a bit?" Rae spoke quietly, prepared for him to say no.

"Sure," Finn smiled. "Just gotta check with me mum and dad when they get home. They'll probably be fine with it." Rae smiled gratefully at him. "Why don't you head up to my room. I'll go make you some tea." He motioned with his head up the stairs.

Rae quietly made her way up, slowly opening the door to his room before taking another look around. This time there was no Chloe. It was peaceful. She dropped her backpack on the floor and made her way to his bed at sat down. She took a deep breath, her thoughts replaying her mum smacking her.

"Just stop it!" she grumbled into her hands grabbing her hair and pulling, frustrated.

Finn walked into his room carefully as not to spill the tea he so meticulously made.

"I'm so sorry to bother, Finn. I just didn't have anywhere else to go."

"Rae, it's no problem. I like having you around. Besides, I-" he stopped and angrily set the tea next to his record player before turning back to her. "What the fuck is that? Why is there a bloody handprint on your face?" His voice was raised.

Rae turned her cheek away before muttering, "Nothing."

"Bollocks, Rae. Let me see it." He grabbed for her face but Rae swatted his hands away. "Rae, dammit! I just want to make sure you're all right!" His tone was pleading. Whilst she wasn't bleeding and nothing broken he hated the idea that anyone would hurt his Rae. He mentally scolded himself. She wasn't his.

"Finn, really, I'm fine. I just got into an argument with my mum and she slapped me. I deserved it, I was being a bitch."

"That's not a fucking excuse to hit someone, especially your kid." Finn tried to occupy his hands that were shaking with anger. He walked back to his record player and fiddled with the records after finally handing her the tea.

"You hit Big G." Rae reminded.

"He was bullying you, Rae. You can't just expect me to sit there and do nothing." Turning back to her he gave her a hard stare.

"Anyway…" Rae tried to change the subject. "Are you excited for the rave tomorrow?"

Finn's eyes lit up. "You thinking of coming?"

Rae thought of Tixie. The rave and the dinner would be at about the same time.

"No. I have something else."

"What are-" Finn was cut off by the sound of the front door opening and closing.

"Finn? You home?" Rae recognized Mr. Nelson's voice.

Finn looked at Rae, "C'mon. Let's go talk to my dad."

Following him back down the stairs into the kitchen, Rae began to shake. What if Mr. Nelson said no? Where would she go then? She silently begged him to say she could stay. Her internal rambling was cut off by the appearance of a man in front of the stove.

"Ah, Rae! What a lovely surprise. How are ya, lass?" Mr. Nelson smiled fondly at Rae as he began dinner.

"Fine, thanks. Yourself, Mr. Nelson?" Finn squinted at her beside her.

"Fantastic! And please call me Steve," Rae smiled in response and looked at Finn.

"Dad, Rae had a row with her mum. Can she stay here for a bit?" Finn bit his lip in anticipation even though he was sure of his father's answer.

"'Course! We can set her up in the guest room."

"Thank you, Mr. Nel- Steve," she corrected herself. "I really appreciate it. I hope I'm not intruding or anything."

Mr. Nelson and Finn both shook their heads.

"Dinner will be ready in about half an hour, 'round the time your mum gets home, Finn. Why don't you and Rae go set up the guest room?"

"Thank you, again." Rae said as Finn pulled her back out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Grabbing linens he showed Rae to the room beside his own. "All right, help me with this. I suck at making beds. The corners never stay down they just keep popping back up no matter what I do." Rae laughed at Finn getting flustered because of bed making. Finn rolled his eyes and grinned back at her.

It took them a good twenty minutes to make the bed what with the popping corners. They were standing back admiring their work when Mr. Nelson called them back down for dinner.

It was later that night, well after dinner with Finn, his dad, and his mum Amy when Rae remembered what she forgot at the house. She had already changed into her pyjamas – her Oasis tee and plaid flannel pants – that she had previously stuffed into her pack when she was reminded that she didn't have music. How was she going to be able to sleep? She had no book, no music, no TV, nothing to distract her from her thoughts at night in the guest room. She began to freak out. She wasn't going to be able to sleep. But was she just to sit there or lie there in bed for the next 8 hours whilst the voices shouted in her head? She was bricking it.

It wasn't until she heard Finn knock on the door that she noticed she had been pacing back and forth and breathing loudly. Taking a deep breath she opened the door to be greeted by Finn's worried face.

"You all right, Rae?"

"Yeah, of course. Why?" Rae was confused. Why was he suddenly worried?

"I've been knocking for about a minute. I heard you walking back and forth but you didn't answer, I got worried." Finn's eyes searched her face for a telling sign of something like tears. Something was up with Rae, he knew that much.

"Sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention." Rae let out a short laugh.

"Right. Well do you want to listen to some records before we go to sleep?" Rae smiled and nodded enthusiastically pushing past him and walking next door to his room. He laughed adoringly at her and followed behind her relishing in the sweet smell of her hair from when she brushed past him.

Rae went through his records quickly already knowing what she wanted to hear. She fell asleep to it every night and tonight she needed to calm down. When she finally found it, before she pulled out the record and put it on the table she hugged it to her chest and threw her head back in happiness. Finn started at her from the doorway. Leaning against the wall with his arms across his chest, his eyebrows raised and mouth still giving that smile reserved for Rae, Finn simply watched her.

Suddenly realizing that Finn could see her she looked at him with wide eyes as if she'd been caught, her cheeks flushing a deep red. "Sorry," she muttered embarrassed.

Finn pushed off the wall and walked to his bed sitting down. "Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for. Besides, it's nice to see someone so excited about music." He was still grinning at her.

Rae just turned to the record player and started the record. Sighing contently when Oasis' Hello, the first track, started Rae turned back to Finn.

"You proper excited about the rave, then?" Rae sat next to him on the bed.

Finn shook his head, "Not if you're not coming. It's going to be shit without you."

Rae scoffed. "The rest of the gang is going, you're still going to have a good time."

"The gang will fall apart without you there, Rae!" he admonished. "You _are_ the gang."

"That's bollocks," Rae was confused at his response. Why was he saying stuff like that?

"It's true! You're the most, you know, normal."

Rae snorted at this. "Normal. Right." This time it was her that shook her head.

"What is it that you're doing instead anyway? Dad interrupted earlier before I could ask." He lay back on the bed but still looking at her.

Rae's shoulders tensed. Maybe she should just tell him. He'd done so much for her tonight. And it'd be great to get the backpack of bullshit off. But what if Finn thought she was weird? What is he going to say? What if he makes her leave? Is he going to hate her? Her face scrunched as she fought herself. No, she should tell him.

"I've got a dinner with my friend Tixie at the hospital." Finn sat back up.

"The hospital? Is she ill?"

"Yeah. See… I've not been honest with you guys. I actually had been in the hospital during the four months, not France." Finn was speechless. What would cause his Rae to be so ill?

"What happened?" His hand came to rest on hers.

Rae gasped at the contact, but finding it to be encouraging to finish getting everything out. "I just don't want you to hate me." She turned to look at him finally, tears welling in her eyes.

"Never."

She smiled weakly in return. "I… I'd tried to kill myself. I hated myself so much, I just wanted everything to end. The voices raging in my head telling me I'm a fuck up, that I would be better off dead, that I'm a failure… They got to me. The voices and the fucking cupboard. Fuck, I couldn't control myself. I grabbed the blade I hide in a book and cut myself up. But I couldn't just cut. I had to count. It wasn't the first time I cut, though. I'd been trying to hurt myself by cutting or burning myself for a whilst. When I cut it had to be divisible by 3 but at least 9 cuts.

"The cutting got out of control. After you start it consumes your every thought. When you don't have access to a blade you rub or scratch your cuts because they start to itch or tickle. And any little thing can set you off. It's an addiction. It's hard to try and stop. You see, cutting doesn't hurt. I can't feel the physical pain when I take the blade across my leg. But you try for it. You want to feel that pain. But I was numb. When I couldn't feel it I'd get deeper and deeper. A normal person would feel it the first time. The first one is petty. You want to try it to see if it'll help but you're suspicious of how it'll feel. But there was nothing. So you try it again, still nothing. You hope for it to hurt. But there's still things happening with each cut. There's still the blood to account for. So you know it's nothing wrong with the blade, but wrong with you. Cutting releases feel-good chemicals in your body. When you've finished, you're less stressed. You're calm. The voices have left for a mument. But that until they come back to tell how much you fucked up by cutting again.

"One day, my mum was working the night shift when I'd had a bad day. Bullying from school, the voices in my head… and I cracked. I wanted it to end. So I took the blade and cut _really_ deep. Mum found me when she got home in my bedroom. I lost consciousness and just lay there in my blood. I was taken to the hospital where I was treated for the wounds and given a transfusion. When I was released from there I was admitted into the mental home. The day I first met you guys, when you had stopped beside my mum's car so Chloe could talk was my mum taking me home. I just left the hospital. I go back at least once a week to talk to my therapist Kester and to visit Tixie. She's in for multiple things but her eating disorder is top. She's going to try and eat. I'm so proud of her. She's more important than the rave."

Rae was startled by the sound of harsh sniffling coming from Finn. Turning to him she noticed the tears openly pouring down his face, his eyes red. The next thing she knew was that she was wrapped in the tightest hug she'd ever received. Finn's face stuffed into the crook of her neck as he cried for her. Needing to hold her Finn pushed her backwards so they were both lying down on the bed.

"Finn?" Rae's voice was gentle.

"I- I want to say that I understand what it's like, but I don't. I want to be able to help you. I want to be there for you. I am so sorry you had to go through that, Rae." Finn was still crying as he tried to talk. He couldn't get the words out; he didn't know what to say.

"I appreciate it, Finn. I know it's hard. I needed to tell someone and I'm glad I told you. I just hope you don't hate me for it." Finn was still holding onto her as if she may just disappear.

"There is nothing you could ever do to make me hate you, Rae." Finn's hands grasped the sides of her face forcing her to look at him.

"Rae, I want to tell you something." Finn was now nervous but he tried to keep himself together because he needed to get out what he was trying to say.

"Yeah?" Rae prompted looking at him quizzically.

"I- I really fancy you, Rae. I have for a whilst. I didn't know how to tell you." Finn's voice was quiet as he gauged her reaction.

Rae just lied there. "Wha- How- Why?"

Finn smiled across to her. "You're amazing. You have a wicked sense of humor, you're my best mate, you're beautiful, you're selfless, I-"

Rae cut him off. "You can't just say things like that to me. Not unless you mean it."

"Rae, I mean it. I really do. Do you- Do you think we could give us a try? I mean, if you fancy me, too. I'm no good with words, I may not say the right thing, but I really want to give us a chance." Finn was now more nervous than before.

"I don't believe you," Rae said quietly. "I'm nothing special. And I just told you I was spent four months in a mental home. Finn-"

She didn't continue. She couldn't as her mouth was otherwise occupied by Finn's own. She gasped in surprise and before she knew it Finn was pulling away giving her a cheeky grin.

"I am willing to fight for us if you are. I'm pretty fucking serious about you, Rae."

Rae simply pulled him back to her and kissed him again.

A half hour later, the Oasis record was well beyond over and Rae and Finn were just lying on his bed holding onto each other in silence.

Rae spoke first. "Finn, do you think I could stay in here with you tonight? I forgot music to play. I always have Oasis going to distract me because nights are the worst. Nights are when it's quiet outside but the voices are loudest. There's nothing to distract me."

"Of course, Rae," he responded smiling and stroking her arm gently.

"Thanks, Finn."

"Mhmm," he was content.

Another mument passed before she spoke again. "Hey, Finn?"

"Yeah?"

"I'd like to fight for us too. I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into with me. I'm not exactly normal as you could tell. It's not going to be easy."

"I wouldn't want easy."

"I want you to know that I'm getting better, too. I just used to hate myself so much. But with Kester, the gang, and especially you I'm getting better. You've all helped a lot."

He didn't respond but instead kissed her head and gripped her tighter before they both drifted off to sleep without music.

Neither of them heard the sniffling come from outside Finn's bedroom. Mr. and Mrs. Nelson both stood there silently looking at each other. They'd been on their way to bed when they heard crying when reaching Finn's door. Mrs. Nelson's hand lay flat against her chest whilst the other rubbed her husband's arm. Mr. Nelson's own right hand unconsciously rubbed at his left forearm where he felt an itch.

"They're going to be just fine," he said giving his wife a strong nod. "Just fine."

The next morning Rae woke up first. She and Finn were both on their sides, Finn's arm thrown over her holding her to him whilst Rae's arm was over his hip and their legs intertwined. Rae laughed a little too loudly waking Finn up.

He gave a whiny groan, "What's so funny?" He slowly opened his eyes and smiled when he saw Rae's face so closer to his own.

"Wait until I tell the gang that their broody, grumpy Finn is a cuddler," she started giggling.

Finn groaned again before pulling her closer and shoving his smiling face into the pillow. "Shuddup."

Rae just laughed louder before kissing him good morning.


End file.
